So I’m going through this cycle right now. I’m not very happy with myself. And I feel I’m 60 instead of my actual 23 years. All this working and seeing people my age being so accomplished in life is making me take a step back and think “Well what the hell am I doing wrong that I’m not like that yet?” Yeah it’s killing me.
I’ve been trying to read more, make more friends, become a more likable person. There’s one problem.
Okay, maybe two.
I’m not a likable person. Shocker I know. I get frustrated easily, I never know what I’m talking about, and people think I’m either mean or think myself to be higher than most. How did that happen? I don’t know. The other problem is that I’m HORRIBLE at making friends. Literally the only real friend that I have that actually likes me is the one who lives like 2 hours away from me. So I never go out, I never talk with people and I never get invited anywhere. I kinda just go with this flow at this point.
It’s not that I don’t like people. I would love to have more friends. But there’s just something about me that put people off or puts me off. We just don’t click.
Which is weird. I love comic books, books, movies, TV shows, animals, hobbies of various sorts, talking, walking, writing, fangirling, hanging out. I love what most people love. Shouldn’t it be natural that I make friends easy? Why is that not the case. I get so jealous whenever my fiancee says that she made a new friend, or her friend said this and that, and her friends invited her here or there. Why can’t I get that? I do I have to be the one shunned to the side.
I should be used to this by now. But no matter how many years I go by like this, it never gets easier. I know other people have this problem. But this is coming from my own words.
And then comes the problem of not feeling accomplished. (Sorry if I’m just talking about things at random. Just need to let it all out for a moment, hours, days, months, years.) Everyone that I ever went to school with is either starting a family already, getting this amazing job, graduated from an awesome university, is off doing something completely amazing. And what about me? I’m still in the same place, working for the same stupid job, not graduated from anything, haven’t started a family nor have I moved in with my fiancee. Nothing worth mentioning.
I’m just having a negative moment in life. Give me a moment while I go compose myself insist of finishing this darn post.